What You Need to Know About Groundhog Day

Today is February 2, Groundhog Day. It’s literally a day when America wakes up and turns on the news to see whether or not a large rodent in Pennsylvania was still a little groggy after being pulled out of a cage and woken up. And what’s worse, we have entrusted this same large rodent to make a prediction about the weather potentially six weeks in advance. And what’s even worse than that is that this same large rodent has knowingly allowed himself to be elevated to this demi-godlike status. People of America, you need to know something…

Punxsutawney Phil is a liar and a fraud.

Look at that face. Mouth drawn tight from the tension of keeping up such an elaborate ruse for so many years. Little devious beady eyes that are cold, calculating, looking out for anyone who would challenge his position. Almanacs reveal that, since he began predicting the arrival of spring in 1887, Punxsutawney Phil has only been accurate about 39% of the time, and that’s with several noticeable gaps in the records. Assuming the records from those years were expunged in order to boost his average, it’s likely that Punxsutawney Phil has only been accurate one out of every four years or so. Yet he has managed to eliminate his competition over the years, and remains America’s poorly-predicting-the-weather rodent of choice.

But wait, did I just say Punxsutawney Phil (or P. Phil, if you prefer) has been at it since 1887? What the heck is the average lifespan of a groundhog anyways? As it turns out, it’s only 10-14 years. So how has P. Phil managed to stay alive, much less in power, for more than 120 years?

It’s not really common knowledge, but P. Phil’s regime is sustained by a shadowy clandestine group of Punxsutawnians known simply, and mysteriously, as the Inner Circle (Phil himself refers to them as his “posse”). Members of the Inner Circle identify themselves publicly by their dress – top hats and tuxedos with bow-ties, and hold blasphemous self-proclaimed titles such as “Sky Painter,” “The Big Windmaker,” and “Thunder Conductor.” Clearly they are up to something, as no one without a devious plan would wear a tuxedo with a bow-tie and a top hat in public, or try to usurp one of the names of God.

These men (who are well-accomplished in the fields of biology, chemistry, alchemy, and the black arts) reportedly allow P. Phil a sip of the mysterious “Groundhog Punch” once each year. The elixir is rumored to extend P. Phil’s life by 7 years. If my math is correct, that means that even if the Inner Circle stopped giving P. Phil the elixir of life, he would still live and reign for another 738 years. These mysterious shadow-brokers are also reportedly able to understand P. Phil’s speech, a la Harry Potter’s ability to understand the speech of snakes.

If all of this does not convince you not to trust Punxsutawney Phil, simply consider the fact that he is a groundhog. Groundhogs are not to be trusted. Consider this video:

This video has become popular on YouTube. Many people watch it and see a funny, overly-dramatic moment from a cute rodent. But here is the original, unedited clip:

The person who shot this video interrupted a groundhog in the process of scheming how he could use his super powers to achieve world domination. Somehow the video survived and made its way to the internet. The poor soul who filmed it did not.

It’s time, America. We have to stop looking to an immortal groundhog and the shadowy group of puppeteers who prop up his power for our weather predictions. We have to break Punxsutawney Phil’s hold on our culture.

And if you don’t hear from me on this blog again, know that P. Phil and the Inner Circle have probably found me and silenced me. If that happens, carry on the message! Together, we can rise up and throw off the chains of Punxsutawney Phil! Never lose hope! Never give up!

Peace.

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